Monday, February 10, 2014

Who the Fuck is Chantel Jeffries?


Chantel Jeffries, age 21, is the woman who was in the car with Justin Bieber when he was arrested for DUI a couple of weeks ago.  She looks like a nice girl, but the old guard of Beliebers have showered her with hate.

If you're like me, you consider yourself a New Belieber (***see bottom of article). 

And if so, you are no doubt painfully aware of the circumstances surrounding Justin Bieber's arrest in Miami Beach two weeks ago.  He was busted for driving under the influence while at the wheel of a rented Lamborghini.

Justin was smoked up, a little bit benzoed, and clocked going 136 miles per hour in the period just before his arrest. 

Also, he was hanging around with a bunch of tattooed hoodlums, and apparently, his dad.  If his dad is anything like my dad was, this doesn't bode well.  

However, he was also with the young woman in the photo above.  She is Chantel Jeffries, from Jacksonville, North Carolina.  Here's another photo of her:


So nice.  Chantel Jeffries.  New Beliebers think she and the Beebs should settle down.  Enough of this running around.

Now, Chantel's had her problems, we all have.  She once stabbed someone, for example.  But it was only in the forearm, and she was only 18 at the time. 

Let me put it to you this way: who hasn't stabbed someone in the forearm?  It's no big deal.  It's not like she stabbed someone in the neck.

I say this because New Beliebers*** are ready for Justin to settle down and get married, and we think Chantel is the one for him.  These kids are obviously in love, and there's no time like the present to get Justin back on the right track.

Chantel describes herself as a “student, eyebrow connoisseur, animal lover, and deep thinker.”  Her aunt,  Nancy McCluskey of Billerica, Massachusetts, says this about her: “She truly is an honest, Christian girl.  She's a very well-rounded and intelligent individual."

That's good enough for me.

But the old guard of Bieber fans, the know-nothings, are showering the poor girl with hate.  Just read some of these vicious twitter attacks:



















That's not all of it, not by a long shot, but it'll give you the general idea.  A mob of barely literate haters is out to get Chantel.   

By the way, I guess the public schools have pretty much given up on that whole literacy thing, eh?  That's a relief.  I remember how much reading and writing used to make kids anxious.  Now there's one less thing to worry about. 

In any event, New Beliebers need to combat all this hate by showering Chantel with love, and by using The Secret to visualize Chantel as Mrs. Justin Bieber.  Go ahead, give Chantel a little love right now.  Her twitter handle is @chanteljeffries.


What Are New Beliebers?

I'm glad you asked.  New Beliebers are an emerging movement of adults, mostly ages 35 to 50, who missed the Justin Bieber phenomenon entirely.  Most of us had never heard a single note of a single song by Justin Bieber, or caught even the first three seconds of one of his music videos, until two weeks ago.

Then we did. 

And now that his initial, teenybopper show business career is flaming out in a ball of drugs and misbehavior, in all likelihood followed by tanking record sales in the years ahead, we want to do a reset on Justin Bieber.

See, because we've started to watch the original Youtube videos of him, the ones taken before he was famous.  Like this one:





This was a talented kid.  He was 13 years old in this video, sitting on the couch in his mom's living room, playing guitar and singing.

And then the record industry got hold of him, and they constructed meaningless, soul-less corporate pap for him to "sing," and for vapid young girls to enjoy.  

And they swaddled him in moronic "thug-life" imagery, and gave him a bunch of tattoos, and made him piss in mop buckets.  They peddled him like a three-dollar whore.

All that's ending now.  And there's a chance here for redemption and for a do-over.

Let's start from scratch.  That's what the New Beliebers want.  Let's do an album where Justin sings some old Johnny Cash tunes, maybe some Woody Guthrie, some Marvin Gaye and Stevie Wonder, and yeah, okay, Justin Timberlake and Ne-Yo if he really wants.  But stripped down, acoustic, on guitar.

Let's get him hanging around with Neil Young and Bruce Springsteen and Jack White.  This was a working class kid from Canada.  He was born to be Neil Young, and they turned him into Britney Spears.

Look, Justin's not even twenty years old.  He could have a long career ahead of him, and it could be really, really good.  He just needs a push in the right direction.  He needs to be re-shaped in our image.

He needs to use his voice and his musical ability to sing songs that actually mean something, and we need to be the ones that save him and make him do this.

Will you join us?  Will you become a New Belieber?      

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