5 Ways to Avoid Getting Killed in a Mass Shooting

Coming to a public place near you - Elliot Rodger, the so-called Virgin Killer of California.  There's plenty more where he came from.

Down With Progress

I wish I had one of these flags.

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7 Great Things About President Osama

So long, big guy.  Has this man been the best President of our lifetimes?

What is the Salton Sea?

A sexy muscle woman poses, for reasons unexplained, in front of the visually appealing, polluted, putrid, and mostly abandoned Salton Sea.  The Salton Sea has been in the news lately, and not for happy reasons... 

Is the Human Race an Invasive Species?

Voracious eater.  Violent predator.  Copious fornicator and rapid reproducer.  Clever, highly adaptable, hardy, rugged, and resilient.  Badly out of balance with its environment.  Multiplying out of control and quickly reducing the biosphere to dust.  What are the chances that this thing is on the wrong planet?

What's it like in a Zimbabwe prison?

This is Walter Palmer.  He is the newly famous dentist who killed Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe.  The blinding white smile and pricey X-ray laser vision goggles obscure an important truth about Walter, which is... 

An Interview With Deranged Author Brian Whitney

Take Hunter Thompson.  Add crazy.  Has this man written the funniest novel ever?

Ear Infection Home Remedy Disaster

If this looks stupid, that's just because it is.

More Fun With ISIS

Ah.  The psychotic religious fanatics called ISIS.  So what have those guys been up to? 

What's the Matter with Kanye?

Once upon a time, pop star Kanye West said an amazing, powerful, courageous thing.  Since then, he has said many, many dumb things.  Below is the amazing thing, and just a smattering of the dumb ones.

What Can We Learn From Senegal?

Senegalese health worker preparing to treat Ebola patient.  Senegal has eradicated Ebola from within its borders.

Why Do Grown Women Have Sex With Teenage Boys?

The sad, sad faces of soon-to-be former teachers Rachel Respess (left) and Shelley Dufresne (right) at their police bookings for unlawful carnal knowledge of a minor.  The two women are accused of having three-way sex with a 16-year-old boy back in September.  Dufresne is a married mother of three children, for now.  Why did they do it?

Chimps Do Not Make Good Pets. But Bonobos?

The transformation of Charla Nash, who was badly mauled by Travis, a friend's pet chimpanzee, back in 2009.

How to Dispose of Your Old Cell Phone

It's big, it's beautiful, it has lots of pretty colors.  The iPhone 6 is here, which means it's time for an upgrade.  But what will become of your old phone?

M-A-R-S. Mars, Bitches. We are going to Mars.

It's funny, but we're really going, if these guys get their way...

Crisis in Venezuela: No More Breast Implants

A critical shortage of quality breast implants has hit Venezuela, demonstrating once again the short-sighted folly of socialism.

Why Don't We Just Wipe Out ISIS?

ISIS fighters (about to execute some poor schmuck in a jacket and a tie) are bad news in so many ways.  They are so bad, in fact, that they remind me of another group in recent popular culture.  Could it be...

Guns Don't Kill People. 9-Year-Old Girls Kill People.

She's gonna git ya!

What Does Suge Knight Do For a Living?

Suge Knight got shot.  Again.  Sometimes I worry about Suge.  I wonder how he's making ends meet.  Is he getting enough to eat? 

Will Ebola Wipe Out the Human Race?

The Triumph of Death, by Pieter Bruegel the Elder, circa 1562

Zombie Apocalypse Just Weeks Away in West Africa

Bad things are happening with the Ebola virus.  And if the current pattern continues, the bad things are about to get a whole lot worse.

The United States Military is One Large Clusterfuck

Remember this guy?  That should have been enough to scare you away from the military. 

Is the NFL Ready for Michael Sam?

The first openly gay player has been drafted into the NFL.  Is everybody ready?

Bring Back the Guillotine

Clayton Lockett was killed by the state of Oklahoma on Tuesday in a botched, 40-minute execution that observers said "looked like torture."

NYPD Twitter Backfire

Here's a nice photo of a tourist in New York City posing with a couple of friendly(ish) young cops.  Recently, the New York Police Department encouraged twitter users to post photos of themselves with members of the NYPD.  Within minutes, the results went predictably awry.  See photos below.   

The United States is an Oligarchy. Okay, So What Do We Do Now?

Things have gotten very, very bad for the good guys.  What can we do to save ourselves?

Terrorists in Nevada

This man is very pleased with himself.  His name is Cliven Bundy, and he is a terrorist.

Doing it Nazi-style in Ukraine

Ukrainian Member of Parliament (MP) Igor Miroshnichenko and some of his buddies beat the acting director of the national TV channel because they wanted him to resign.  Miroshnichenko is currently the deputy head of the Parliament's Committee on Freedom of Speech.

Go Ahead. Try This At Home

He calls himself Mustang Wanted.  He's a young Ukrainian daredevil with a short future ahead of him.

Rough Justice in Texas

No peeking, Lady Justice!  You're supposed to be blind.

Sex Parties of the Rich and Famous

The Killing Kittens sex club from England is coming to the United States.  Did you get your invitation yet? 

Did the CIA Create Mind-Control Slaves?

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) has accused the CIA of blocking a Senate investigation into the CIA's use of torture at secret prisons they run in other countries.  What else has the CIA been up to?

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Is This Man The Best Fake Amazon Reviewer in America?

James Otis Thach is a children's books author and compulsive writer of fake Amazon reviews.  He is taking the art form of writing fake Amazon reviews and turning it into... well, into an art form.

Three Weeks in China

A photo of a Chinese fashion model.

For Americans, There Is No Crisis In Ukraine - Here's Why

This man's name is Zbigniew Brzezinski.  He can tell you everything you need to know about why Russia invaded Crimea.  He wrote the book on it.

What I Learned on Fox News Today

This shifty-eyed man is clearly the enemy of the American people.

Who Could Say Anything Bad About The Dalai Lama?

This guy?  I love this guy.

Just What We Didn't Need - More Religious Freedom

A sign placed in the window of Rocco's Little Chicago Pizzeria in Tucson, Arizona, after Arizona legislators voted to pass SB 1062, a bill to increase religious freedom.

Woe to Live on

Republicans are fighting to deny extended unemployment benefits to millions of Americans.  In Sarasota, Florida, this is one of the better jobs currently available.

Where Science and Religion Meet (Is Somewhere You Don't Want To Be)

The eye of God?  Not really.  More like a nebula in outer space, as photographed by the Hubble telescope.

The Capital One Goon Squad: Who's Outside YOUR Door?

Git yr guns!  Capital One has decided they can send in the shock troops.

Kim Kardashian, Dr. Phil, Weigh in on Bruce Jenner Sex Change Rumors

Oh, the humanity.  Bruce Jenner appearing in public after having surgery to reduce the size of his Adam's Apple.  Critics have suggested the sudden appearance of man boobs, or "moobs," under Bruce's shirt means he is in the process of undergoing a sex change.  

50+ Genders You Can Choose From

Even though labels are for soup cans, if you'd like to choose a new gender label for yourself, Facebook will now give you 58 different options.

Something FREE For You to Haz

This is the cover to the ebook version of my novel, The Hit.  The ebook is a FREE download on Kindle this weekend, February 15 and 16.

50 Fun Ways to Say Snatch

Ready?  Let's begin.

Here's Why You Don't Use Real Bombs in Suicide Bomber Training Class

A suicide bombing trainer accidentally blew up himself, and his entire class of trainees, at a remote camp outside Baghdad earlier this week.  Which raises an important scriptural issue: do they still get the 72 virgins?  

10 Fascinating Facts About the Mia Farrow - Woody Allen Family Train Wreck

Did he or didn't he?  In this photo from the 1980s, here's (from left to right), Woody Allen, Fletcher Farrow, some guy doing an early version of a photo-bomb, Mia Farrow, babe-in-arms Dylan Farrow (who alleges that Woody molested her), Moses Farrow, and Soon-Yi Previn.  Now that's a happy family.  

This is Democracy

There is a lot of good live music in southwest Florida.  This is the best local reggae band that I've seen.  This is an old video, and the lineup has changed a little since then.  Even so, they are as good now as they were then.

This is Democracy.  Enjoy.

I Met Harrison Ford Once, and He Acted Like a Jerk

In 1995, I was one of the organizers of the New York City premiere of a movie called "Sabrina."  From left to right, Harrison Ford, Julia Ormond, Sydney Pollack, and Greg Kinnear.  I was standing maybe ten feet away when this picture was taken.  Everybody was so nice that night, except Harrison Ford. 

Talk. Just Talk.

July 23, 1967 – February 2, 2014

It Happened to Me: I Was Married to a Black Woman for 7 Years, and Suddenly I Realized Everybody is Dumb as Shit Anyway

This is an artist's rendering of happy times with the Ex.  Weren't I handsome?

Is this the cutest, most wonderful thing ever?

Spencer is a bulldog who was found with two paralyzed back legs.  Thanks to the work of a clinic for wounded veterans, Spencer now has prosthetic limbs and fancy green Crocs to wear.  And he can really walk!