FLORIDA.

What's Wrong With Texas?

They be some COVID-19 cowboys in Texas.  Texans were early adopters of the Great Reopening of America, once again proving that big hats do not equal big brains.  If I were modeling these styles, I would look equally as sheepish as this man does.

Here's a hint: Texas is doomed.

Lying Ass Motherfuckers

Unidentified old man lays on the ground and bleeds from the head in Buffalo after tough guy cops half his age pushed him down.

Trump and the "CoronaVirus"

No doubt about it, Donald Trump is the President of the United States.  He is therefore in charge of the Great American Coronavirus Response, ongoing now.

He is also an overlarge, orange manbaby.  He routinely demonstrates the attention span, self-absorption, and intellectual capacity of a four-year-old boy.

In the interest of science, Thee Optimist has hazarded a few guesses about what runs through that tiny little mind of his, when thinking about the worldwide pandemic currently threatening the world.

Yes, please do.  Feel free to leave your own clever captions in the comments section below.

Why We Love Tattoos

Unless she's diabetic, the above sweet gal probably had a different kind of "pee" in mind for her tramp stamp.  But no matter.  Tattoos are meant to be fun.  

Coronavirus: Game Over?

Just a typical day in Wuhan, China.  Man relaxing in a local park, not a care in the world.  Little does he know that medical experts are actually worried this time.

Get Stoned and Make Barbie Porn

Lil McGill gets stoned and engages in some carpentry.  Barbie loves how her new Dream House comes out.

Tourist Trap

Hurry up and wait.  On May 22, 2019, dozens of people endure the hours-long line to reach the summit of Mount Everest.  Up here, in the so-called Death Zone, climbers are confronted by temperatures as low as 50 degrees below zero, high winds, and dangerously low levels of oxygen. 

You Are Made of Iron

When I was a young man, I worked briefly with the elvish Doug Osheroff, a Nobel Prize winning scientist who taught me something about myself that I didn't know.

I sent a letter to a total stranger. Then he sold me a condo. And gave me $50,000.

Your mind is like a powerful magnet.

How I Stumbled Over the Law of Attraction (and How You Can, Too)

Thee Optimist knows all about The Law of Attraction.  Yes he does.

Are Seals Related To Dogs?

A wild seal dog.  Well, not really.  Just somebody's dog wrapped in a blanket like a burrito.

Get Stoned and Make French Toast

French toast is delicious!  But it can take a while to make, especially when you get distracted by, uh... other things.  Watch video below.

Humans Will Be Obsolete Soon

Ray Kurzweil is among the smartest humans.  He takes great joy in making predictions.  The things he predicts appear to make him happy, but they are not good things.

The Insects Are Dying Off. It's About Time.

Wasp.  Ever get stung by one of these things?  I have.  Ouch!  Okay?  I thought I was having a heart attack.  I never want to be stung by a wasp again.  And since all the bugs are finally dying off, I just might get my wish. 

After All These Years, Alex Chiu is Still Immortal

Alex Chiu has been selling his magnetic immortality rings online since the early days of the internet. He's still at it, and is staying young forever. 

Alex Chiu is immortal unless he dies because of an accident or murder.  He sells immortality rings, which he claims on his website are the "most important invention in human history." 

Get Stoned and DO SOMETHING

Artists are forever seeking ways to unleash their creativity.  Altered states of consciousness are one way to do it.  And sometimes the results are better than expected!  

Out on the Road Today, I Saw 10 White People in MAGA Hats

A little voice inside my head said, "Don't look back.  You can never look back."

When You Find Yourself...

Ripe and ready.  Just like you are.

3 Infuriating Lies the President of the United States Told in 2018

Donald Trump as Pinocchio, the wooden puppet who dreams of becoming a real boy.  The Donald is wrestling with the the Truth, and the Truth is losing.

With Role Models Like Geronimo and Crazy Horse...

Rod Coronado has spent six years in prison for his actions on behalf of animals.

Interview by Brian Whitney

Rod Coronado is one of the best-known eco-anarchists and environmental revolutionaries of our time.  A lot of us sit around talking about how much we care about the Earth and the animals.  Rod feels the same way, except he did shit about it that got him thrown in prison.

He is out now and working to protect animals in a more lawful way, but one that is hopefully no less effective.   

This interview first appeared in the book Subversive.

Mass Hysteria Is Fun

A young woman cries at a Beatles concert in 1965.  Hordes of weeping, screaming female fans were a prominent feature of the early Beatles years.  As they were during the early Frank Sinatra years two decades earlier.  And the early Elvis years.  And the early One Direction years.  And the early... you get the idea.

On the Streets, Serving the "Hardest to Serve."

For homeless outreach workers, hardcore alcoholics are some of the most difficult people to get off the streets. 

In America, White People Are Doing the Right Thing

Gaze upon this lovely, glowing white person.  Now say bye-bye.

They Are Going to Blot Out the Sun (Part 3)

Remember Chemtrails?  This was the early-2000s era conspiracy theory that there were mysterious government airplanes in the sky, spraying chemicals.  Some people thought they were dropping poison to cull the human herd.  Others thought they were exposing us to mind control drugs.  Still others thought they were putting aerosols in the atmosphere to reflect sunlight back into outer space in an attempt to slow down global... never mind.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Gil Scott-Heron, one of the fathers of rap music.  He said a lot of things.  One of the things he said was: "All the dreams you show up in are not your own."

They Are Going to Blot Out the Sun (Part 2)

I thought I'd put a graphic here illustrating how industrial Carbon Sequestration is supposed to work.  But it was too complicated, and frankly, boring.  So instead we have a screen capture from the 1971 Japanese film, Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster.  It's just as well.  Godzilla has about as much chance at saving our bacon as Carbon Sequestration.  

They Are Going to Blot Out the Sun (Part 1)

The sun is our enemy.  We can't turn it off, but we can make it dimmer.

Michael Avenatti Has Fallen Back to Earth

Remember this guy?  Michael Avenatti, the man who fell to Earth.

Where Does the Nazi Trump Salute Come From?

The United States is about to get its first full-fledged fascist President.  Everybody is excited, one way or the other.  As the situation unravels, and the future we were all looking forward to rapidly disintegrates, an interesting question has arisen - where does that Nazi Trump salute really come from? 

Republican Thinks We're in a "Cooling Trend."

Send in the clowns.  Scary, ignorant people like Marsha Blackburn are almost funny, except they vote on things that affect our lives and the future of the human race.  Well... wait a minute.  I guess that is kind of funny.

Climate Change Stole My Future

There's no such thing as Global Warming.  Right?

Let me ask you a question.

Why bother writing about Climate Change, or Global Warming, or whatever you prefer to call it?  Why bother talking about it, or even thinking about it?

It seems to me that there are two likely possibilities here:

I Got Cyberbullied by the Men's Rights Movement

I made an innocent post about chimpanzees and bonobos on this blog.  Two years later, some men's rights activists became offended by it.  And they thought I was a woman... 

How Would Donald Trump's Wall Get Built?

A woman stands on the Palestinian side of the Gaza Strip wall in Israel. Could the Donald build a similar wall between the US and Mexico?

Why Not Kill the Child Instead of the Gorilla?

This was Harambe.  He was a 17-year-old western lowland gorilla who lived at the Cincinnati Zoo.  He was shot and killed, ostensibly to save a small boy who fell into the gorilla enclosure.  Here's an idea not getting much play - why not shoot the boy and save the gorilla?

Dumb People Doing Dumb Things: Thee Optimist Awards

At the end of each year (starting now), we present Thee Optimist Awards to three (or more, or less) people who made a name for themselves through some combination of overconfidence, stupidity and breathtaking ineptitude.  In other words, people being people.  For 2015, the winners are...

What Does It Mean When You Get "Schlonged?"

According to Donald Trump, way back in 2008, Hillary Clinton got "schlonged" by Barack Obama.  She doesn't look happy about it.  What does Trump even mean by that?

Things to do in Siberia

This is a photo of five cheese factory workers in Omsk, which is a city in Siberia.  The men got drunk, took off all their clothes, and had a fun naked time partying in a vat of milk.  Said milk to be used to make, uh, yes... cheese... for other people to eat.  The men said they were bored.  Read on to see what else bored Siberians get up to.

5 Ways to Avoid Getting Killed in a Mass Shooting

Coming to a public place near you - Elliot Rodger, the so-called Virgin Killer of California.  There's plenty more where he came from.

Down With Progress

I wish I had one of these flags.

---

7 Great Things About President Osama

So long, big guy.  Has this man been the best President of our lifetimes?

What is the Salton Sea?

A sexy muscle woman poses, for reasons unexplained, in front of the visually appealing, polluted, putrid, and mostly abandoned Salton Sea.  The Salton Sea has been in the news lately, and not for happy reasons... 

Is the Human Race an Invasive Species?

Voracious eater.  Violent predator.  Copious fornicator and rapid reproducer.  Clever, highly adaptable, hardy, rugged, and resilient.  Badly out of balance with its environment.  Multiplying out of control and quickly reducing the biosphere to dust.  What are the chances that this thing is on the wrong planet?

What's it like in a Zimbabwe prison?

This is Walter Palmer.  He is the newly famous dentist who killed Cecil the Lion in Zimbabwe.  The blinding white smile and pricey X-ray laser vision goggles obscure an important truth about Walter, which is... 

An Interview With Deranged Author Brian Whitney

Take Hunter Thompson.  Add crazy.  Has this man written the funniest novel ever?

Ear Infection Home Remedy Disaster

If this looks stupid, that's just because it is.

More Fun With ISIS

Ah.  The psychotic religious fanatics called ISIS.  So what have those guys been up to?