Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Chimps Do Not Make Good Pets. But Bonobos?

The transformation of Charla Nash, who was badly mauled by Travis, a friend's pet chimpanzee, back in 2009.

If you were planning to buy the kids a pet chimp this holiday season, you better hold that thought.

A surprise announcement has come from the Jane Goodall Institute, the center named for the famed scientist who has spent decades of her life studying chimpanzees.  

It seems the Institute takes a dim view of people who welcome chimps into their homes as pets.  

"Want to raise a chimp?  Think again!"  their website harrumphs.  

Who knew?  Apparently chimpanzees, who share approximately 98% of their DNA with humans and are our closest cousins among the apes, are dangerous.  

The website cautions that chimp babies appear cute and cuddly, and don't mind playing dress-up when young.  But they grow up to become surly and unpleasant, and eventually refuse to wear the funny costumes that humans love to dress them in.

This is especially true of the males, who often become prone to outbursts of violence as adults.  What's neat about this is adult chimps are four to five times stronger than human males, much faster, and have razor sharp teeth and claws.  

So when they attack, they are damn near unstoppable without the use of firearms.  

Travis, the chimp who mauled Charla Nash, and his owner Sandra Herold, in happier days.  Travis was shot dead by the police during the February 2009 attack on Nash.  Herold died of a heart attack two years later.

Indeed, according to recent studies, chimps are natural born killers, and in the wild often gang up to murder members of other chimp tribes, then steal their land, food, and females.  

Chimps, as it turns out, are more like us than we ever realized.  They live in a highly-complex, male-dominated society.  Larger males routinely resort to violence and intimidation as ways to gain status among their peers.  

Meanwhile, smaller males use complicated, Machiavellian political maneuvers and alliance-building for the same purpose.  Just like among humans, alliances are fragile and can suddenly collapse when sneaky chimps sniff better opportunities elsewhere.

Is this a pet that you want in your house - untrustworthy, violent, immensely strong?  Most homes already have one of these.  They call it "Dad."

Male chimps on patrol at the edge of their territory in an African national park.  Violence most often breaks out on the borders between areas dominated by different groups.  Sound familiar? 

Bonobos - A Better Pet Option
There is a better way to keep a primate in your home.  We have another close relative among the great apes, lesser known and rarely taken as pets.  This one is called the bonobo.  

Bonobos have not been studied as extensively as chimps.  At first glance, however, I'd say they look pretty attractive.  

Physically, they are very similar to chimps.  The untrained eye can't tell them apart.  But emotionally, they couldn't be more different.  

Bonobos have a female-dominated society where very little violence happens.  What violence that does take place tends to happen when a male becomes aggressive and the females gang up to put him in his place.

Instead of violence, bonobos run their society through the near-constant exchange of sexual favors.  Bonobos are the only non-human animals to have been observed engaging in face-to-face sex, tongue kissing, and oral sex.  

Rather than being immensely strong compared to their human counterparts, adolescent female bonobos have clitorises that are three to four times bigger than those of adolescent girls.  So large, in fact, that they are easily visible, and waggle while they walk.  

The bonobos need those big clitorises.  Females frequently have sex with other females, usually every two to three hours.  

When a group of bonobos finds a new food source, their excitement often results in a group orgy.  When two separate tribes encounter each other, rather than fight it out like chimps do, the bonobos tend to mix it up with yet another orgy, swapping individuals between groups.  That gets everybody relaxed and on the same page.  

When you do the math on this, it becomes a little odd that people have been taking chimps as pets all this time.  Chimps = violence.  Bonobos = sex.  In retrospect, it seems like a no-brainer.  

Rather than worry about your chimp suddenly deciding to rip your face apart, or tear your arms off and beat you to death with them, with a bonobo, your main worry is that your favorite pet might become a little too fond of you.  

And really, that would be kind of a good problem, wouldn't it?

This could be you.  Two female bonobos get busy for the cameras.
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Unknown said...

I would rather have a bonnobo any time over a chimp

Soroptimist said...

Mike, I want to party with bonobos.

Where are they? said...

So it's a choice between owning a mentally challenged superhero and a sexually depraved feminist? Cinch.

no thanks said...

so we can be either beaten to death or raped to death? no thanks! I think I'll stay with normal pets

I Want It said...

It's monkey love! Can't beat that with a stick.

The Creeping Cruds said...

Bonobos are no safer and in fact more bitey than chimps..

Anonymous said...

You mean love-bitey?

Anonymous said...

"Is this a pet that you want in your house - untrustworthy, violent, immensely strong? Most homes already have one of these. They call it "Dad.""

Yea just go die of cancer you misandric feminist piece of shit

Misandromist said...

Tough words there, Anonymous.

Anonymous said...

Women are more statistically likely to murder their children.

Should change "They call it 'Dad'" to "They call it 'Mom.'"

jayanta bordoloi said...

You have to be a mentally retard to keep a chimp, bonobo or any primate as a pet. They should be in the wild where they belong...PERIOD.

Anonymous said...

They call him Dad? Misandrist cunt. I would have forgiven that little bit of man hating if the article were even worth reading. I'm disappointed in the article as a whole, even without your prejudice, it's just poorly written.
It's as though I'm reading a high school paper written by kids who don't know what they're doing.

Bladejs said...

I don't know who wrote this, but whoever did should kill herself. And i' mean seriously, i dunno how we let such dumb creatures live in our society.

Anonymous said...

"Is this a pet that you want in your house - untrustworthy, violent, immensely strong? Most homes already have one of these. They call it "Dad." "

Your daddy issues are radiating from this article, author.

OneCatholicSpeaks said...

Interesting how the author didn't include the <>. Who wrote this?

Anonymous said...

Looks like some ugly guys got all salty about this article.

Anonymous said...

Fucking meninists all angry about this the comments. Get a life, ugly cunts.

Mere Image Photography said...

How about a pet:

- That is always happy to see you;
- Seems to understand at least roughly what you are saying;
- Will not attack and disfigure you, or attempt to engage in sexual
behavior with you (shudder); and
- Will not cost you nearly as much to procure a great ape, grow it
and then send off for adoption?

Get a good dog. Seriously, don't be nuts, and even think about trying to make a pet out of a great ape.

Anonymous said...

A dog bit me once. It actually bit me twice in the same incident. And it hurt. A lot. I don't like dogs.

Bitey Ford said...

Once bitten, twice shy?

Anonymous said...

Mere Image Photography apparently never had a dog hump their leg.

Unknown said...

But, if you find yourself in the African wilderness, and you are not Jane Goodall, please be aware of the differences.

Unknown said...

The author seems to have daddy issues and I am also questioning her sexual lifestyle since she writes, "with a bonobo, your main worry is that your favorite pet might become a little too fond of you.
And really, that would be kind of a good problem, wouldn't it?"

How would a monkey trying to rape you be a good problem unless you were into it? What kind of sick and twisted, daddy issues having, freak are you?

Unknown said...

what kind of depraved cunt uses an article about chimps and bonobos as pets to bash men?

Rock Lobster Mist said...

Ya'all people are crazy. The author of this article is a man. The article doesn't bash men (since it's written by a man, who enjoys being a man very, very much). The whole thing is meant to be ironic.

Jeanie said...

Bonobos bite more than chimps do. They won't try to kill you like chimps will. But....they may accidentally sink teeth into one of your arteries....and then sadly try to make you feel better....by giving you oral sex....whilst you lay dying.

Anonymous said...

I feel the blogger is a bit too eager to engage in some Bonobo style violence de-escalation... How about we don't take apes and treat them like housepets?

Hopefully this was meant as tongue in cheek.

Unknown said...

"Is this a pet that you want in your house - untrustworthy, violent, immensely strong? Most homes already have one of these. They call it "Dad.""

I hope your children die of leukemia you feminist trash

Thee Optometrist said...

You mad, Bob?

Unknown said...

Some of these posts seem a little violent in the content. Kind of makes you think doesn't it? Also it is hard to compare Primates with domestic dogs. Give the great apes access to human's at a safe distance that is, and a few thousand years then maybe they will be less aggressive towards humans. Then again they may want to get their bodies waxed and get many Petties.

Unknown said...

Besides it took the wild canine many thousands of years to become domesticated.

Unknown said...

Chimps DO NOT have "claws!" What an ignorant and absurd statement! They have nails like us and all the other Great Apes!

Anonymous said...

If you ever publish an article about men's retreat from marriage or other expectations of the male archetype, I hope the irony will be more apparent.

Anonymous said...

The article advocates keeping a large ape as a pet, and having sex with it. not sure how much more apparent the irony could be..

Three 6 Mafia Don(ald) said...

Years ago, I was staying in Cartagena. there was a coffee shop run by a french couple where all the expats hung out. They kept a chimp on the premises as a pet. One day a sexy chick in a skirt was there sitting at a table and the chimp climbed up on her lap and gave her a smooch, then he hugged her, a bit. Then he had a hard on. Chimps have very small needle dicks. Or this chimp did. Everybody was laughing, and my girlfriend was like: "that's so sad. He should be in the jungle where he can have a chimpgirl girlfriend." The chimp was like: "Do I amuse you peeople? Is that my role in life?" Existential chimp.