Why Read Thee Optimist?

Thee Optimist will make you a better version of yourself.  It will put 1,000 songs in your pocket.  It will make you taller, better-looking, with a whiter smile.  You will eat more, but weigh less.  You will get 6-pack abs without any effort.  You will smell better.  

You will be stronger, faster, and smarter.  Remember when you had zest for living and looked forward to every day?  You will feel that again.  The opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on your proclivities) will want you.  Badly.  They will embarrass and humiliate themselves just to get next to you.  You will throw flaming fireballs at your enemies.

All of that will happen just because you spend a little time reading Thee Optimist each week.   

Q.  What's up with the polar bear?

A.  For me, the polar bear on the ice's edge is a reminder of global warming (the ultimate unintended consequence), and how human behavior may be funny, but also can have tragic outcomes.

Q.  Do you even believe in global warming?

A.  Nah.  Not really.

Q.  Where did you get the nice polar bear image?

A.  I stole it from somewhere, probably.  I don't remember.

Q.  Why do you call it Thee Optimist instead of The Optimist?

A.  I checked Godaddy and TheOptimist.com was already taken.  So then I thought the word "Thee" is kind of cool because it means "You" in Old English.  So actually, the title then becomes "You Optimist," which is directed at you, the reader.  You're the optimist, not me.  That makes more sense anyway, because I'm not really an optimist at all.  I'm a wicked pessimist, in fact.

If any of you cunning linguists want to contact me and tell me my use of "Thee" is grammatically incorrect, don't bother.  I already know that much.

Q.  So you kind of got stuck with a shitty name, then?

A.  I wouldn't necessarily agree.  In fact, the ees in the word "Thee" kind of remind me of the eyes in the face on the old cover of the Pink Floyd album, "Relics."  Which is very cool.


Q.  That was a Greatest Hits album of sorts, wasn't it?

A.  It was, yes.  Except it was 1971 and Pink Floyd only had a couple of hits by that time.  And they were weird psychedelic '60s songs written by Syd Barrett, not the "Us and Them" and "Wish You Were Here" and "Another Brick in the Wall" stuff you're probably thinking of.  That came later.

Mostly, it's an album of B-sides and previously unreleased material.  Plus "The Nile Song,"  which was on a movie soundtrack.  Very strange music, much of it.  

Q.  Why do you write this blog?

A.  Mostly to entertain myself.  I get a kick out of it.  But hopefully, some other people will be entertained as well.     

Q.  It's pretty lousy so far.

A.  Is it?  Stick around.  It'll get better.  Or it won't. 

Q.  What do you think happens when we die?

A.  Well, when you die, I think some people will go to your funeral and feel sad for a while.  Maybe you'll go to Heaven, or transcend to cosmic starchild status, or simply become worm food.  Who knows?  If I die, I suspect that the entire Universe will wink out of existence, like the flame on a candle in a cool October breeze.    

Q.  Listen why don't you just hurry up and write another book?  Isn't that what people really want from you?

A.  The voice of reason, eh?  Yes, that's what people often tell me they want.  And I imagine that's true.  But writing books is hard, man.  Some people make it look easy, but I'm not one of them.

Q.  Do you have any books you'd like to share with us right now?

A.  Sure.  Try this on for size:

"Fast-hitting, dangerous, and sexy" - Amazon review

Robotics engineer Susan Jones has discovered the key to immortality - downloading human awareness into intelligent machines.

About to be murdered for her secret, she downloads herself into the most intelligent machine available - Sexbot Number 9, the world's most advanced sex toy.

Both alive and dead, Susan Jones, now Number 9, sets off to solve and avenge her own murder.