Friday, September 18, 2015

7 Great Things About President Osama

So long, big guy.  Has this man been the best President of our lifetimes?

Like you, I've been studiously ignoring the race for the Republican presidential nomination.  I don't need to watch it to know how it will turn out.

Here's how the Presidential race will go, more or less.  The Republicans will nominate some moron to be the next President of the United States.  That's an easy one.

The Democrats will manipulate their own race so that Hilary Clinton is nominated.  Hilary will come off as strident and bitchy and older than her years, and will lose to some Republican moron. 

A plausible alternate scenario is that Bernie Sanders will somehow be nominated.  If so, Bernie will die in a mysterious plane crash six weeks before the election, and some Republican moron will become President.  

What all of this means is that Obama will no longer be President.  That leaves me with a sense of melancholy that is hard to describe.  

Obama has been the best President of my lifetime.  So much better than the others, I'm not even sure who I would pick for second place.  Maybe Richard Nixon.  And I only say that because the one thing I remember about his Presidency is the day he resigned.  

I watched it on TV with my grandfather.  Nixon's downfall filled my grandpa with delight.  I loved my grandfather very much, and I'm glad that Nixon gave him so much happiness.

But we were talking about Obama.

Obama used to smoke.  Or maybe he still does.  It's a bad habit.  It's hard to quit once it gets its hooks into you.  Eventually, it kills you, and the end is UGLY.  But smoking does look kind of cool.

I was no fan of Obama when he ran for President the first time, but now I'm going to be sad to see him go.

He did a lot of good things as President.  He did some bad things, too.  That's kind of how it goes here.  

We live in a country that's owned and operated by right wing lunatics.  There's only so much you can do before they kill you.  Obama pushed it about as far as possible without letting the CIA murder him.  

So you're expecting a list, right?  Now I could get into a whole long list of policy achievements that I'm a fan of.  But that's not what this post is about.  Leave the policy stuff at this:  He did the healthcare thing.  

That's one of the best things anybody's done in a long while, and he did it in the face of vicious opposition from organized morons.  The healthcare thing was plenty. 

That does raise an important question, though.  If we're not doing a list of policy achievements, what are we going to do?  

Something much easier on the brain.  

Obama's a baller, and pretty good, by all accounts.  Nice logo placement, Prez.

 7 Things We Like About Obama

 1.  He was the first black President

In and of itself, this was a pretty phat accomplishment.  If he had done nothing else, if he had expired moments after taking the Oath of Office, this still would have been a big deal.  Of course, some people like to point out (to me) that he's actually half-white.

2.  He was predicted by the TV show "24"  

If you're like me, then you like to entertain all kinds of crazy notions about who actually runs this country.  A few years before Obama penetrated the American consciousness and first became a Senator, there was David Palmer, a tall, deep-voiced black Senator running for President on the popular spy show "24."  Played by the Allstate Insurance guy, Dennis Haysbert, Senator Palmer becomes President in Season 2.

Weird, right?  Who is pulling the strings around here?  Actor Dennis Haysbert as Senator, and then President David Palmer.
3. Obama rhymes with Osama

I love this about him.  I love it because he allegedly gave the order to kill Osama.  I love it because they supposedly dumped Osama's body in the ocean, and no one got to see it afterwards.  I love it because a lot of nutjobs think Obama is a Muslim.  And how about this?  His middle name is "Hussein."  Fuck, dude.  It doesn't really get any better than that, does it?

4.  He smokes

Or he used to smoke.  Or he still does, but hides it better.  Smoking is a dumb thing to do, but it looks cool.  When Obama smokes, he looks like a detective from a 1970s movie.

5.  He plays basketball

By all accounts, he's a decent ballplayer.  He can run with the kids, even though he smokes.  By the way, David Palmer, mentioned earlier?  Big basketball player.  Played at Georgetown, hit a buzzer beater against DePaul in the Final Four.  I guess David Palmer was the desensitizer.  

6.  That healthcare thing 

Yeah.  It's hard to let that one go.

7.  That time he sang Al Green

Want more fun with President Osama?  Click to see him flirting with the pretty blonde Prime Minister of Denmark at Nelson Mandela's funeral.

1 comment:

  1. It's difficult for me to add to this discussion, since the above commenter so eloquently responded to this missive. But let's try:
    1) "Obama is an ugly chimp" reflects this wordsmith's ability to see past race and judge our fellow humans, as MLK dreamed, "not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." Bravo to him for not sliding into hateful racism, like all of his other Fox "News" viewer friends.
    2) As far as the phrase "God rittance," perhaps this Einstein not only doesn't know how to spell, but also doesn't understand that the little red squiggly line under your misspelled word is a warning that you should correct it so you don't look like the troglodyte you clearly are.
    3) "Thanks for nothing" (at least he didn't spell it "nuttin") shows the
    author's grasp of the complexity of Obama's entire contribution to the nation, both good and bad. I'm just heartened that we have a nation of similarly well-informed citizens who will go into the voting booth next November with such a deep understanding of the issues and candidates, and will undoubtedly make nuanced, intelligent voting decisions.