Twenty-three year old Michael Rockefeller, wealthy descendant of John D. Rockefeller, fusses with a camera while Papua New Guinean stone age tribesmen look on. Rockefeller disappeared on November 19, 1961, after a canoe he was in tipped over. All indications are he swam to shore, then was captured, killed and eaten by the local cannibals.
Thee Optimist is a time traveler from an era when people made what you might call off-color jokes.
In that long ago epoch, these jokes were not considered "offensive," generally speaking. They were more often considered "funny."
He is about to share such a joke with you. If you are the type who becomes triggered by things, perhaps it is best to stop right here.
***
Donald J. Trump, JD Vance, and, I don't know, the senior Senator from Kentucky Mitch McConnell, are traveling through the wilds of Papua New Guinea.
They are Christian missionaries, trying to convert the ignorant savages who live there to Jesus.
They feel, maybe even correctly, that if the tribespeople would just accept Christ in their hearts, perhaps they would cease and desist from all this wanton, animal-like fornication, murder and cannibalism.
Our three American heroes (since they really have no idea what they're doing) soon become lost in the jungle. After a time, a group of 20 tribesmen appear, armed with spears and knives, and surround the Americans.
The tribal chieftain steps forward. As luck would have it, he speaks English perfectly well.
"You have trespassed on our sacred lands," he tells the Americans. "And the gods are not pleased. I offer you death, or ungawa. You must choose."
He turns to Mitch McConnell. "You are the elder. You can choose first."
McConnell is nervous, because he's not sure what this word "ungawa" means. His on-board computer glitches out, as it is wont to do when confronted with aggressive questioning.
"Uh, Mitch?" JD Vance says.
"Mitch, you with us?"
"Mitch!"
McConnell suddenly un-glitches.
"I choose ungawa," he says, a seemingly wise choice, given the alternative.
The tribesmen immediately proceed to disrobe. Then they rudely and assertively penetrate the good Senator in every orifice with their overly large phalluses. The reaming goes on for a very long time, while Trump and Vance look on helplessly.
After the horrifying spectacle is over, the tribesmen lay down and relax in the grass. Some even fall asleep.
The chieftain yawns and looks at JD Vance.
"You're next. What do you choose?"
Vance, clever monkey that he is, realizes that the tribesmen are all reamed out. If he picks ungawa now, his suffering is likely to be nowhere near as bad as his friend Mitch's. This is an opportunity.
"I choose ungawa," Vance says with confidence.
Suddenly, 20 MORE tribesmen appear out of the bush. This new group is fresh, well-rested, and bigger and stronger than the group who just finished.
"Ungawa it is," says the chieftain.
The new, energetic group proceeds to ream and perforate, prick, probe and impale JD Vance with their own large and overly wide members. The ghastly spectacle goes on for way too long.
Eventually, it is over once again.
Donald Trump is the last one left. The first group of tribesmen are awakening from their naps. They seem ready to go for another round.
"And you?" the chieftain says.
Trump surveys the undignified wreckage of McConnell and Vance. They will never be the same men they once were. Perhaps they would have been better off dead.
"I am the leader of the free world," Trump says, trying a different tack. "I'm the smartest, the tallest, the best golfer, I have the biggest hands of anyone you're ever going to..."
"Yes, yes," the chieftain says. "But what fate do you choose?"
"Ungawa" is a word that was invented by the screenwriters for use in the old Tarzan movies from the 1930s and 1940s. Tarzan used the word to communicate with wild animals, and it meant whatever he wanted it to mean, depending on the context in which he said it.
An urban legend is that the scriptwriters would go drinking during lunchtime at a bar outside the studio, on Gower Street. "On Gower," in slurred speech, became "Ungawa."
By coincidence, it is also an actual Swahili word with several meanings. The most common is "Be quiet and listen to me."
Marco Rubio would be better than McConnell. He's smaller...
ReplyDelete