Thursday, March 25, 2021

Moratorium on Mass Shootings Declared

We have another winner: 21-year-old Robert Aaron Long of Georgia is a young guy with a bad beard.  He shot and killed eight people at Atlanta area Asian massage parlors a little over a week ago, apparently because he is a "sex addict," and being a sex addict bothers him.  But he's not the only one who's been doing mass shootings these days.

Well, well, well.  

The coronavirus pandemic is ending, or is never going to end, or never happened in the first place.  

Whichever it is, people have had enough of it, and have decided to act as though it is ending.  So they are beginning to resume their normal activities.  

One such activity is to murder multiple people (often, but not always complete strangers) with a gun.  In recent days, three mass shootings have taken place in the United States, killing 22 (relatively) innocent people.

As a result, Thee Optimist has been forced to weigh in.  He's a "live and let live" kind of guy, and this is a step he wouldn't normally take.  

But effective immediately, he has unilaterally declared a moratorium on mass shootings for the foreseeable future.  THERE WILL BE NO MORE MASS SHOOTINGS.  It is no longer allowed.

Do you hear me, dummies?  You've had your little fun.  It's over now.

Naturally, the question may occur to you: What took so long for Thee Optimist to issue this ruling?

25-year-old psychopath Malik Halfacre wanted his girlfriend (who is the mother of his young daughter) to give him her Covid-19 stimulus money.  When she refused, he shot and killed her mother, her brother, her cousin, and her 7-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.  I really wish I was joking.  His beard is also not good.

 Not Applicable

It pains me to say this, but Thee Optimist has been largely checked out of the whole mass shooting thing these past few years.  If we analyze the reasons why, we can look at a couple of possible conclusions.

Yes, Thee Optimist was once a member of the morally (and now financially) bankrupt National Rifle Association, but that was long ago and doesn't guide his present behavior.  So that's out.

It really comes down to this: most of the many, many mass shootings just don't apply to Thee Optimist.  If there were a questionnaire related to mass killings, with check boxes, usually he would check the box marked "Not Applicable."

Thee Optimist didn't get a stimulus check, and almost certainly wouldn't kill or be killed over one.  That sounds more like po' people problems. 

Thee Optimist has never been to a "happy ending" Asian massage parlor.

Thee Optimist is not in high school.  He is also not in college.  He rarely sets foot inside any school.

He wouldn't be caught dead (ahem) at a country music festival in Las Vegas, and probably not anywhere.

He does not frequent gay nightclubs.

He is not in the military.  I mean, come on.

He does not go to a Christian church, or a Jewish synagogue, or an Islamic mosque (I know, I cheated - that one was in New Zealand).  Thee Optimist is largely non-religious, in the sense of previously-organized religion.

To be clear, he does have religious beliefs.  He believes that long ago, hyper-intelligent aliens from outer space visited Earth.  They mated or otherwise shared their DNA with an early version of chimpanzees, spawning a race of creatures that are neither chimps, nor aliens.  

Unfortunately, these creatures are smart enough to dream up and build all kinds of fantastic gizmos, but not smart enough to use their creations wisely.  They've got some small bit of the innovative abilities of dimension-hoppinguniverse-crossing aliens, with all the emotional control of screeching, shit-throwing apes.

This religion is called Monkeyshines.  It is the only religion we know of that accurately explains why humans have nifty inventions like repeating rifles, but lack the self-control to refrain from massacring other people with them.  It is thus far a religion with one member.  

But we were talking about killing people.  Ah yes.

Thee Optimist does not go to many of the places where mass shootings occur.

But here's one place he does go: to the supermarket.  Thee Optimist uses the supermarket on a regular basis.  And murdering random people in a fucking supermarket is so far beyond the pale, that it's time to step up.

21-year-old Ahmad Al Aliwi Alissa was born in Syria, and moved to the United States with his family when he was a small child.  Apparently, he was bullied in high school because of his Muslim background, or believes this to be true.  He may also have a paranoia-based mental illness.  This raging asshole killed 10 people in a King Soopers supermarket in Boulder, Colorado.  The beard is okay.

What Should Mass Shooters Do Now?

A question that leaps instantly to mind, given that mass shootings are officially verboten, is what are prospective mass shooters supposed to do instead? 

Of course, there is a whole line of (in all likelihood) men out there, many of them young, who are preparing to execute a mindless, blood-spattered assault of their own.

You know who you are.

If this is you, Thee Optimist does not suggest you lay down your weapons and embrace the way of peace, because... you know.  You're not going to do that.  

It's too far gone at this point.

So here, in four easy steps, is what Thee Optimist is directing you to do instead:

1) Have a few drinks to relax yourself.  Drinking is good.  It lowers your inhibitions.  It allows you to do things you might want to do, but otherwise find difficult.

2) Take a gun (handguns work best, but a shotgun will do in a pinch), load it, and switch the safety mechanism (if any) off.

3) Place the business end of the gun, the muzzle, in your mouth.  No, not like you're going to throat the fucking thing!  Point it upward, so that the muzzle actually touches the roof of your mouth.

This is wrong.  Yes, it is William T. Vollman.

Much, much better.

Okay, relax... breathe... here comes the easy part...

4) Pull the trigger.


Related Article: 5 Ways to Avoid Getting Killed in a Mass Shooting

Words of Wisdom

People look to me and say:

"Is the end near?  When is the final day?

What's the future of mankind?"

How do I know?  I got left behind.

- John Michael "Ozzy" Osbourne

* * *

If you enjoyed this post, why not Subscribe?


  1. While killing another person is always wrong (yeah, I know--except for alleged self-defense), it is a bit more understandable when the perpetrator goes after someone or some organization who (supposedly) wronged the perp. To kill random people is not only evil, but pointless--and only reveals the shooter's own mental shortcomings.

    If I may alter the saying attributing to Abe Lincoln: "Better to not fire your guns and be thought a fool than to fire them and to remove all doubt."

    1. Interesting to insert old Abe Lincoln in the middle of this. Somewhere, among the infinite number of alternate timelines that have happened or are happening now, there's probably one where Abe feels John Wilkes Booth creeping up behind him, turns, and says those exact words.