Monday, January 6, 2014

North Korea Executes Dennis Rodman

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un and former NBA player Dennis Rodman in happier times. 

In a bizarre twist, former NBA star Dennis Rodman's "basketball diplomacy" junket to North Korea came to an abrupt end, when his dear friend, dictator Kim Jong Un, sentenced Rodman to death.

Rodman was seen being led away by 27 uniformed military personnel.  Rumors swirled that Rodman was fed naked to, and then eaten alive by, a pack of 120 starving attack dogs.

Kim Jong Un made worldwide headlines last month when he suddenly purged and executed his uncle, Communist Party leader Jang Song-Thaek.  Jang, the #2 in Kim's government, was dragged from a Communist Party meeting and later was creatively blown apart by a firing squad wielding heavy anti-aircraft weaponry.

Jang Song-Thaek forcibly removed from a Communist Party meeting, prior to his execution.

"It was an embarrassment for the regime," said a source close to the Rodman incident.  "Jang was accused of numerous crimes against North Korean society.  But when they looked a little more closely at the record, it turned out Rodman was guilty of many of the same crimes.  At that point, there wasn't much choice left in the matter.  They did what they had to do."

Among a laundry list of other crimes, Jang was accused of womanizing, squandering millions of dollars in casinos, "wining and dining at back parlors and deluxe restaurants," leading a "dissolute and depraved life," being "affected by the capitalist way of living," and "dreaming different dreams."

"Rodman was guilty of all of these things," the source said.  "Heck, dreaming different dreams was practically Rodman's national anthem.  Also, he was a cross-dresser.  That couldn't have sat well with the notoriously macho Communists." 

I feel pretty.

"I'm shocked Rodman went there, actually.  He kind of stepped in shit a little bit."

Although much of the world was shocked by Rodman's sudden demise, few were surprised.  "Don't look at me," New York Democratic Representative Eliot Engel said.  "I asked him not to go.  I begged him not to go.  Did he listen?  No."

Before the tragedy, Engel, the minority leader of the House Committee on Foreign Affairs, had called Rodman's visit "ill-conceived," and like "having lunch with Adolph Hitler."

For their part, the North Korean government issued a statement confirming, and defending Rodman's execution.  "Despicable human scum Rodman, who was worse than a dog, perpetrated thrice-cursed acts of treachery in betrayal of such profound trust and warmest paternal love shown by the party and the leader for him."

White House spokesman Jay Carney, when asked whether Rodman's death would lead to increased hostility between the United States and the isolated North Korean regime, simply shrugged.

"Nah," he said.  "I doubt it."

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