Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Here's Why You Don't Use Real Bombs in Suicide Bomber Training Class

A suicide bombing trainer accidentally blew up himself, and his entire class of trainees, at a remote camp outside Baghdad earlier this week.  Which raises an important scriptural issue: do they still get the 72 virgins?  

Thee Optimist is no fan of suicide bombers.  

I'll go way out on a limb here and assume that you agree.  Suicide bombers are no fun for anyone.  

And I get the motivation, I really do.  

Sometimes the bad people really are in charge, and they've done really bad things, and they deserve to die.  And they seem all-powerful, and there's no way to get back at them except by blowing them up.  And the only way to do that is for you to blow yourself up with them.

So you're already thinking about it.

Then some guy walks up to you on the street, and he says, "Pssst.  Hey buddy.  Did you know that martyrs for the cause go straight to Paradise?"  

But he doesn't stop there.  He goes on:

"And when the martyr gets to Paradise, did you know he's rewarded with 72 beautiful, full-breasted, non-menstruating, eternally-young virgins, with hymens unbroken by sexual intercourse, who are always hungry for sex, and who are never dissatisfied?  And the martyr himself is given an eternally erect penis, and the sexual strength of 100 men?"

(** These are actual attributes as described in numerous authentic Hadiths of the Prophet Muhammad.) 


By the way, they call this a sexist religion?  Sounds more like a sexy religion to me.  This is almost enough to get me to join.  If the dying in an explosion part weren't involved, and you know, the bloody limbs and guts flying everywhere, then I'd say we had a deal.
  

Artist's rendering of a young jihadi arriving in Paradise.  Okay... where do I sign?

But those things are involved, and we don't have a deal.  Something tells me I'm going to need my limbs when I get to Paradise.  I'm not going to blow myself up, and you know what?  Neither are you.  Not for 72 virgins or a '72 Barracuda.


What about 72 virgins AND a '72 Barracuda?  Don't tempt me.

And both of us have found ourselves in crowded public marketplaces before, surrounded by strange people speaking in strange tongues, and we've thought:

"Boy, I sure hope nobody decides to blow themselves up today."

So we don't like suicide bombers.  

Which means we might be somewhat amused to learn that according to a New York Times article (so you know it has to be true), earlier this week, a suicide bomber training in Iraq went horribly awry. 


Suicide Bomber Training Gone Awry 

According to the article, things went south when the class trainer demonstrated proper self-destruction technique using an explosives belt with real live explosives attached.  

The belt blew up, killing the instructor, and all 21 of the would-be jihadis in the class.  This took place in a remote camp outside the city of Baghdad.  Everyone killed were members of a friendship organization calling itself the "Islamic State of Iraq and Syria."     

The first question is: who knew they had suicide bomber trainings?  Who has blown himself up enough times that he could actually train someone else how to do it?  I kind of thought, you know, you only get to do it the one time.  

If you're an experienced suicide bomber, and you're still healthy enough to go around holding seminars, doesn't that mean you're not very good at it?

Apparently so, given the results.

The second question is: considering that this was more of a colossal fuck-up than a martyrdom operation, do they still get the full-breasted, eternally-horny virgins?

If you were Allah, what would you decide?  

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